TODAY I AM NOT FUNNY

Yesterday I got all existential (okay, not existential, fuck existentialism, but mopey/whiny) in my other blog (that you're not allowed to read), and that was interesting, and then today I got an email from Jaq.

You may remember Jaq if you are George or Kristina and met her for two seconds at the Rally to Restore Sanity. She is my ex-girlfriend, and we had many an interesting time together. We had ups and downs and dated for what probably added up to about 2 years. She was my best friend for pretty much all of high school, although I wasn't hers. I will probably never understand why she thought she loved me, but I will speculate that it was probably because I was broken. I will not elaborate, but I will say that we are both much healthier now.

Jaq (which I think, but will never tell her, is a stupid way to spell Jack-short-for-Jackie-short-for-Jacqueline) said she was surprised I wanted to see her at the rally, and some other things, and eventually got to her point, which was that "I would just prefer not to have this sense of being dragged along." I do not want for her to have said that to me. I am not even sure what that means.

I told her some things to the effect that it is really not up to me whether she wants me in her life or not. I am a friend pack-rat; if I knew someone well at some point, I will probably always think of them as a friend unless something happens to make us definitively not-friends. So no matter how infrequently I see Jack, I will probably always think of her as "my friend Jack" and never as "this person I knew in high school." (Really, even if she writes back to me and says she would prefer to not have me in her life, I will think of her as "my friend Jack." I didn't say that to her, and I will respect her wishes insofar as staying generally out of her business, but it is true.) I told her it sounded like she was dumping me (...again, as in for like the fourth time) and that in that case, it was mean to basically ask for my permission.

She has written back now, while I was moping. The last time we had seen each other, until the 30th, was in May, right after school got out. Something you may not know about me is that I despise change, and any big shift usually puts me into a depression for at least a week. I get depressed when school starts, I get depressed when school ends, it's a pain in the ass. So right after school got out, I was depressed about change, I was depressed about looking for a job, I was depressed about my grades, and Jack only had a few days left at home before she went back to Cleveland for summer classes. So she asked if we could hang out, and apparently she had to push really hard to get me to say yes, and then it wasn't that fun and the next day I posted on my even older other blog (which you also are not allowed to read) about how I would have had an easier day if I had spent it on the couch. In her email just now, Jack said that she had felt like I was dumping her then, because I was so unenthusiastic about the whole thing. Like she didn't matter to me anymore.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I am talking details about this. It is just hard for me to parse what things are like between me and her because I would rather just let things be. Her life does not involve me very much, and mine does not involve her, but sometimes they can intersect and that is not a problem.