Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Ha. Let's pretend we're human.

My Friend Jack emailed me basically saying she missed me. I said I missed her too.

We're fucking morons.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


You might remember a long time ago when I talked about my friend Jack. Well, Jack is, evidently, no longer my friend. And I don't know what to think about that. I really really don't.

About a month ago, I got an email. And this is a little overshare-y, but I'm just going to paste the whole email in here, because that's the only thing I can think to do:
I really want to see you. I was originally going to say that I need to see you, but obviously that's not true. I keep waiting for a time when I don't actually find myself wanting to call you when I'm in C'ville, but so far that time has not come. It's just... I dunno. It's not like I have anything in particular to say. In fact, I guess I don't have anything to say at all. I just can't be here and not feel like I'm missing something not seeing you. That was too many negatives. 
I think how this is probably going to go is that I'll keep sending these sorts of emails when I get a bit drunk - because otherwise (for the most part) I'm in control enough to remember what dignity is - for however long it takes me to stop feeling the need to send these emails. And you can ignore them until then. It's just hard to stop myself right now. When I'm back here, it all comes back, and while a lot of "it" is stupid mad stuff, some of it is the other part and it's all still here.
And I read it, and I got this sort of sinking feeling, and I just did not know what I could say in response that wouldn't be leaping down her throat. So I sat on it for a few days. I started emails and deleted them. And eventually I came up with something to say:
I've been thinking about this for a few days, although I guess that's obvious. And the nicest thing I can come up with is that I need you to not do this. If you want to get together and do something, give me a call or Facebook or whatever and we can do that. We don't have as much in common as we used to, but I'd wager we can still have a good time doing something.
But this? This is bullshit. You don't get to drag me back into those memories just because you're drunk and in Charlottesville. You don't get to send me emails implying that when you think of me, you mostly remember "stupid mad stuff." Am I supposed to be gratified that "some" of what you think about me is "the other part"?
I can't just ignore these, because they're not harmless. You send me this kind of crap every few months, and every few months, I have do deal with the consequences. You should see what I posted in my school blog after you emailed me in November; I was depressed for a week, right as final-project-season started. Because as much as you have a hero complex, I fix things. I smooth things over. That's what I do. But I can't smooth over the past, and you don't have the right to make me try.
Write your emails if it makes you feel better. If you're drunk and upset, whatever, you'll probably send them. But don't pretend like this is harmless catharsis for you, because I can't afford to have "it" all come back to me, too.
When I read through it again, obviously I did not succeed at not leaping down her throat. But I don't think I was unreasonable, and I still think it needed to be said. She sent me back a little apology and "that's not what I meant, but sorry about that," and then evidently she unadded me on Facebook and my other blog, and while that's obviously not a huge deal, it signals a change, and I hate change. I've mentioned that.

Anyway. I don't know what I even want to say about any of this. But Jack has always been there. And I don't like knowing that she's not anymore. I don't like that at all. She knew me better than anyone, once. Is it so crazy for that to mean something to me? Even if we barely know each other at all anymore? I don't know. I guess I understand why she did it, but I wish she hadn't.

I feel like I am alone, now. That's stupid, and it's melodramatic, and objectively it is false. But I will probably never be open with another person the way I was with her. I mean, you're not supposed to, not like that. Our relationship was never healthy. But it still hurts.

She didn't say goodbye.
And it took me a month to notice.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


Lately, I have been just excessively anxious. (Also yes I know it's been almost two months so sue me I don't give a shit.) I went to visit Hunter over the weekend and he brought two of his dogs down with him to pick me up. I was really concerned that they would run away or get eaten by something (really? yes. really.) in my backyard if he didn't "supervise" them.

On the drive back, I spent some time worrying that they would jump out the car windows and die. I worried that we would crash and the airbags would crush them. When we stopped and Penny ran off into a field with Hunter chasing her into the "NO TRESPASSING area," I worried that the person who lived there would get home and yell at me (waiting by the car, scolding Iggy for orchestrating the whole thing) for being in his driveway. I worried that Hunter wouldn't be able to find her. I worried that (oh, yes) she would upset a cow, who would kick/stomp on her and kill her. He got her, though, don't you guys worry. Anyway, after that, on the drive, I kept worrying that we would hit a deer or something and, again, that airbags+dogs=sticky mess thing. Oh, but I added a worry that Peabody, their third and oldest dog, would have died outside by the time we got there (and it would be my fault because if not for me then she wouldn't have been stuck outside all day).

On the third, we went to a little party thing at some friend of Hunter's from high school (John invited us) where there were fireworks. While all the older (i.e. our-age) people were setting off their illegal (i.e. neato) fireworks, I was on the porch worrying about what I would do if something went wrong--if someone out there got burned, if a firework tipped over (?) and shot directly (?) at the house (?), if the hot metal bits hit me in the eye (?) while I was looking up, if the house caught fire from the hot metal bits, if the woods caught fire, if the grass caught fire, if--I think you get my drift here.

On the fourth, it stormed, and we happened to be outside playing with the dogs. I worried, completely inexplicably, that we would get hit by lightning in Hunter's front yard. Because "we're the tallest things here! we should be closer to the ground. maybe crouching? that makes us less likely to get struck. maybe we should go inside." I'm not joking.

These are not things that I really think are going to happen, of course. I have SOME realism left in me, after all. But these are things I am basically completely terrified of. I kind of wish I had more of the traditional OCD symptoms--namely the routines, because those are supposed to protect you from all these bad things happening, right? If I do _____, then my family will be safe from _____, right? I'm sure it doesn't work like that, of course. I'm sure the routines and all that only add to the anxiety. But it's a thought.

Anyway. Other than that I'm having a pretty good summer. I'm working at Little Caesar's, mainly as a cashier, and I even kind of like my job, so that's good. My boss is super-gay and awesome, and today he pointed out a customer to me as "marrying material." I said, "But will he do my cleaning for me?" That's right, suckers, I have a job where sass is practically mandatory. (Despite liking my job, I still have a lot of anxiety around that, too, don't worry. Nothing is sacred; nothing is safe.) And I've done a good bit of knitting, and I sit around a lot, so that's awesome.

I think that's going to be my whole summer what's up post, because I'm fucking exhausted and don't know why I'm awake at all.

Monday, May 9, 2011


Anyway so it's May now... That means it's basically the end of the year and we're all going home soon and such. And finals. And finals...

Today (oh wait that was yesterday) I told myself I was going to do my Linear Algebra studying, because I have a review session tomorrow (oh wait that's today) at 1:30, which is our normal class time, so, like, I figured I'd get my questions figured out so that I could go and be productive and whatnot, you know? But instead I didn't really do anything. I just kind of dicked around, as usual. You might say, "But George, that's just your way," but, well, that's the kind of way that gets you a B in Linear Algebra, and honestly? I can't afford any more Bs. And I don't want any more Bs. I want As, damn it, and I deserve As. I'm going to get As.

Except in Differential Equations, maybe. I might get a B in DiffyQ. I might possibly not have gotten the best grades on all my quizzes in that class, and I might have gotten a serious B (like 84%) on one of the two tests, and... Well. That would be quite disappointing. But also basically okay! I'll get a grade that I deserve. Which will hopefully be an A. But I only have until Thursday, and I've never quite mastered that whole studying thing... We'll see. We'll see. I know all about Laplace transforms, and I know all about the stuff from the first exam. I need to practice the method of undetermined coefficients, I think, although my main problem was that I miscopied the problem. And I need to practice the stuff we covered recently--delta functions in particular. I don't even remember what those are. And the stuff that carries over from linear algebra, that is to say, the systems of linear differential equations that have been represented as matrices and you use eigenvalues to do, uh, something.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Anyway, I'm really tired but I'm waiting for the glass of water I drank to get into my blood so I feel better. I  should probably consider doing things like homework, sleeping, and drinking water before I feel sick with dehydration, woo. Anyway.

Monday, March 7, 2011


Whatever, though.

New Mountain Goats
Sweater I want to knit eventually (ignore the lady in the pictures; I know)
Bad picture of my dad's beautiful unmanly sock
List of dance terms I need to learn for Wednesday (pdf: Chrome will open in-browser; Firefox will download)
No link to Linear Algebra I need to learn for Wednesday
Method of suicide for use Tuesday night

Tomorrow I will hopefully get my two tests from last week back. Definitely my Advanced Math test, maybe my Differential Equations. (See how many syllables that is? See why I call it Diffy Q? Well, more often Diff EQ, but it's pronounced the same.) I just want to see how beautifully perfect I did on them is all. Beautifully perfect. But then after I get back my beautifully perfect tests I will have to study hard to do just "OK"on my Linear Algebra test, so that kind of blows.

On the other hand, I can listen to the new Mountain Goats pretty much any time thanks to my best friend The Internet, so how bad could life be? That's right, it couldn't be that bad at all.

Less than two weeks to knit another sock! Can I do it? I'm going to run out of show to watch long before I get through the sock, taking into account that I'm knitting at a little less than one repeat per episode and there are 14 repeats plus another episode for the ribbing and about two and a half episodes each for the heel and toe. So that makes... About 21 episodes worth of knitting. I don't think I have enough episodes for that, and I should not have time for that before next Friday, unless spring break is very very good to me and/or I blow off all my work forever because I hate myself.

Also I have to write a 1500-word paper on proof methods for the 29th, which I guess I'm doing over break also. Because I hate myself and will never ever give myself enough time to do the things I ought to do. Tonight I need to write a (fake) resume and cover letter for my teaching class; read a chapter and write a little true/false test about it; find an online teaching resource and be prepared to present it to the class tomorrow. Oh, and do my problems for Advanced Math, but those are fun and easy, so not a problem.

And I have to deal with having blown off that guy over the weekend. I'll just tell him my phone died, I couldn't find my charger, and Hunter went home for the weekend, leaving me without an extra. Or maybe just nobody's charger fits my phone. I don't know. I couldn't find my charger. I couldn't charge my phone. It died on Thursday afternoon because I'm not very responsible about charging my phone, and I didn't get his messages until Hunter found my charger when he helped me do laundry Sunday night. I just want to be able to reiterate the "MY BOYFRIEND" thing, because I'm not good at determining if people are flirting or whatnot, see, and I figure that if I keep bringing up that I'm currently in a relationship then he can't be hitting on me. Right? Right. That's how people work; they're completely rational and work the way I feel they should work.


Monday, February 7, 2011


Fuck. Anyway, we should all probably just stay away from one another, because we may or may not all be sick, except Hunter and Randall, those bastards. I had a bad ballet class because my heart was racing for no reason and also the room felt like it was about 85 degrees and also I blacked out a little bit a couple times. I also have a headache and a sense of impending doom. And my jaw hurts, but I think that's just because of my stupid ass swollen lymph nodes. Interestingly, I can only find 5 of them: the ones under my ears, the ones under my jaw, and the one to the right of my trachea. I don't know why the one on the left hasn't caught on.

In other news, I apparently hate Mondays, because apparently nobody is here now. I hate sitting in the hallway and I want to get some Advil and I have to pee. Also the Asian girls who live at the end of the hall came back while I was sitting here and I always feel weird when that happens.

I feel like, while I enjoy the things I'm learning this semester, I really don't actually like most of my classes. At least, I don't look forward to any of them, except sometimes Ballet. I should find another class to fit into my schedule so that there's something interesting... Oh, wait, no, I should DEFINITELY NOT do that because it is STUPID and INSANE. If I want interesting, exciting classes, I shouldn't be a math major, and also I think I'm mainly just not quite settled into the routine of going to class all the time yet so I shouldn't complain yet. Plus, again, I really do like learning the things I'm learning. I just want mystery and intrigue and classes that don't have Panda Guy.

Nothing else interesting to report, except a link to an interesting blog. (It has a little warning page, but be assured by the non-dick George that you HAVE TO BELIEVE resides within me that it's not horrible porno.)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


You don't even have to register right now! Just come to one class. Maybe you will like it. Not-too-baggy sweat pants (or shorts!) and a tightish-fitting shirt and cotton socks are all you need for one day. We will do some pliƩs and do some stuff about port de bras and, I don't know, some running across the room and maybe skipping or even jumping possibly. You'll get to see my leotard for reals! And mock me for my lack of balance, of course. Afterward, anyway. Totally worth it, I swear. And since you're not even wanting to go to your 9am class... Again: totally worth it. Go go go go go!

Monday, January 31, 2011


I just want to drink beer and play Bananagrams. This will happen. Hunter will buy me some beer. (Medium beer, not awful beer. Bottles, not cans. Never cans.) But who will play Bananagrams with me? Maybe also cards. Rummy or hearts. Strip poker. Not strip poker. I'm so bad at poker. Everyone will be clothed and I will be totally nude. It will just be awkward for everyone. Anyway, what I mean is games while drinking, not drinking games.

I've been thinking about this for like two weeks. I don't want to go to a party, I don't want to drink stupid mixed drinks or do shots, I just want to drink beer and play games with people I like. I just want to drink beer.

In other news, you know how I was going to give blood today? Well, my hemoglobin as 12.4. (And that's on the second pinprick--the first was 11.1.) They require it to be 12.5. I pointed out that she had only tried two of my fingers, and I have two more she could try--and another whole hand--but it doesn't work like that. So that's the story of why I didn't give blood and have two poofy bandaids on my fingers that make typing much more difficult.

In still other news, I really love my math classes. Like I told Twitter, they're magic! Seriously! Everything apparently comes down to solving a system of linear equations, and those you can solve using magic. I feel like I'm at fucking Hogwarts, I swear to god. It's useful to admit that you probably define both "everything" and "magic" differently than I am here, but it's still pretty cool. You'd think it was magic too, if you had taken enough math to fulfill the requirements for this class.

It makes me a little sad that it's not that you guys CAN'T do math, like it's not that you're too stupid or anything, it's just that you don't KNOW enough math to get excited about it the way I do. If everybody could get to the levels of math where they're seriously teaching you things that seem like magic, everybody would like math. There has to be a way to make it interesting earlier on. First it's obvious, then it's confusing, then it's hard, and then it's magic. (This is going from pre-algebra to where I am now, see--pre-algebra and algebra one are mostly boring, and then algebra two and precalc start to get confusing, calculus is hard, and then once you get past learning the theory of it all, they teach you these beautiful magical ways to do everything. And they also teach you some other things, but it's really all magic. All those things about which they say, "Well, it CAN be done, but we're not going to try in this class." It's really really cool, I swear. But nobody cares.)

Anyway, some other things have inconvenienced me today. I need yarn to make socks for my father, as I mentioned, and today is the day when I decided to buy it. So I do my whole thing, check out using Paypal, give myself a little thumbs-up, and forget all about it because it's class time (yes, I buy yarn in the time before the professor enters the room, it's not crazy, I'm a winner). Now, having been totally cheated out of giving blood (ffffffff), I'm waiting for my brother to get here, and I check my email. There are a couple confirmation emails, aaand an email from Paypal saying that they're douchebags who "limited" my account, "coincidentally" right after I tried to pay for yarn. They wanted me to change my password and security questions, and "confirm my location" by answering the landline phone at my billing address. This would be fine except that I am not at my billing address. I also can't confirm it with my cell phone, even though this is the phone number linked to my billing address.

Words that describe Paypal, in my opinion:
  • c is for cockbags
  • u is for undergarments (crusty ones)
  • n is for ne'er-do-wells (shut up) 
  • t is for tracheas (shut up again, I'm bad at this)
  • b is for bitches (I know that one!)
  • a is for anuses
  • g is for grandparents (YES I MEAN IT AS AN INSULT)
  • s is for stupid meanies
So, yeah, I hope you enjoyed my acrostic poem. It was pretty deep, if I do say so myself.

Friday, January 28, 2011


And you would all be a lot happier if I would just remember that. I just do a lot of knitting. I really like knitting. You may be aware of that. It's kind of my favorite. But, you may remember that I said that I was going to make a quilt over winter break? Obviously that didn't happen (or I would be so proud of myself that you would never be able to shut me up, and also I would be under a quilt all the time), BUT I have once again been reading page upon page of quilting blog and finding it very inspiring. I have to keep reminding myself that it is 100% NOT WORTH buying quilting fabric when I have no sewing machine, no iron, and absolutely no time to learn to hand-sew, not to mention the time I don't have to actually do any sewing. Anyway, the real "but" here is that there are plenty of sewing machines at home, and my mother really loves placemats. And my sister even likes sewing! So, when I go home for spring break, I have concocted a plan under which my sister and I will make my mother a set of placemats and maybe some potholders/trivets to match. I know approximately how large a placemat should be, and I know, intellectually, how to piece a quilt top, and I know, intellectually, the basics of how to put a quilt together. So, it should be not that difficult for us to do this. Provided we both actually still want to do it come March.

Other than that, I'm still planning on making tons of socks in the next while. I have plans upon plans, basically. The ones I'm making right now (that I'm sooo behind on--my sister has now FINISHED a sock), socks for my dad, and socks for my mom. These are the ones I have deadlines for (well, no deadline on the matchy socks, but my dad's birthday is March 18 and my mother's is April 22), and then there are these really cool cabled socks I'm excited to make as my first super cabley project. I've done some other cables, but nothing this complex. I'd link, but I think Ravelry requires membership, so it would be moot.

More updates to follow as I get more into my classes. Probably Tuesday--after I've had all my classes. I did wind up switching to the harder math, because that's just how it's done, and I won't have that until Tuesday. I'm afraid not having been there on the first day is going to fuck me over somehow, but at the same time it can't possibly, right? Right. Obviously. He couldn't possibly require homework from the book that I won't have gotten until probably next Friday, right? Oooobviously. Maybe he'll have a book I could photocopy from or something.

In conclusion, I really hope my class is canceled tomorrow morning because I don't want to go.